Goodbye, Pert Breasts: The Diary of a Newborn Dad

I thought it would be beneficial if I gave you an insight into my mind. This is the kind of thing I think about all day every day, and usually you have the advantage of thorough editing as I attempt to turn my thoughts into blog posts. Today I thought I’d give you the unedited version, because I thought it would be interesting, but mostly because I couldn’t be bothered to edit it.

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I think if you had a baby and named it Spartacus there’d be a lot of pressure on that child to excel in life, like he wouldn’t feel he could degrade himself by getting some kind of sad office monkey job or perhaps a job on a switchboard or something, because people would ring up and he’d say ‘Hello, Spartacus speaking’ and they’d be all like ‘Cool name bro, but shouldn’t you be out rebelling against society or something?’. He could end up with serious self-esteem issues if you gave him such a weighty name and he essentially does nothing with his life. Same goes for a name like Superman, although a name with such gravitas could propel the child to make more of himself, like become a lawyer or a doctor or something. Imagine lying in a hospital bed feeling rotten when all of a sudden a guy comes in with a white coat and says ‘Hi, I’m Doctor Superman’ – you’d instantly feel more comfortable. And plus, if you were called Superman, you’d definitely always wear the outfit under your shirt, so just in case you needed to you could pull your shirt open and reveal the big ‘S’.

This is Sweet Fanny Adams.

Don’t let the photo fool you, she’s a cow.

She’s here to tell you that from now until Saturday you can download ‘Goodbye, Pert Breasts’ and ‘Teething Pains’ from Amazon to your Kindle for free. It’s not even like it’s buy one, get one free, or buy two, get the third free, or buy one, get the other one for a penny (nice try, Holland & Barrett).

It’s simply the best deal you will ever get on these two books: download them for absolutely nothing. You’d be a fool not to.

Click on the images below to get downloading…

Edit:

This is what I’m talkin’ bout. Thank you.

It is a sentence which has been spoken by every parent, and it goes a little something like this.

‘Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids. I wouldn’t change them for the world. But…’

As the arrival of our third child draws ever closer, the number of conversations between me and my wife which begin with this disclaimer seems to be on the rise. There are a plethora of endings that can be stuck onto the backside of this opening sentence, like…sticking a Lego brick onto another Lego brick. Or perhaps sticking something onto something else using Superglue, or another form of adhesive (it really depends on the material you’re sticking).

If we didn’t have kids we’d have loads of money.
If we didn’t have kids we’d have spare time.
If we didn’t have kids we could go to the pub right now, or perhaps for a nice walk. (To the pub.)
If we didn’t have kids we could go on holiday to the Bahamas, but that’d be too hot for my pasty white skin, so perhaps somewhere like Bangor would be more appropriate. But at least the Bahamas would be an option.

Sadly, these are luxuries we forfeited when we very first laid eyes on a pee-soaked stick and a little blue cross. And, in exchange for giving up most of our spare time and all of our money, we received two little terrors who eat us out of house and home but give us better memories than any trip to the Bahamas. And, in my softest moments, I look at them and think: who needs money anyway?