Week Seven: It's a plug, but there's no chain

During this week your baby has a bit of a growth spurt, jumping from 3mm at the start of the week (about the size of a grain of rice) to 11-13mm by the end. The buds that are arms and legs now have ‘plates’ at the end of them, with tiny bumps that are beginning to separate into fingers and toes. Numerous other parts of your kid are also forming rapidly this week, including eyelids, eye lenses, bladder, tongue, liver, lungs – you name it, it’s probably growing (within reason, of course). Your baby is actually in the process of using its second set of kidneys, with three separate sets being grown over the months of your baby’s development. Your partner’s kidneys are also working overtime to process all the extra waste, which – when coupled with the cauldron of hormones swimming through her veins – makes her wee endlessly. Your child is also moving around, but your partner won’t be able to feel it yet.

Your mrs has also developed a mucous plug, which forms at the opening of her cervical canal and protects against infection. It’s also as gross as it sounds, and it comes free during labour so if you’re a really lucky boy you might get to see it, in which case chances are you’ll be spending your time dry retching into the sink as your partner squeezes a child through her bits.

A tip, kind of related to one I made last week about your mrs’ weight: your partner/the mother of your child will often, when out and about with your good self, point to another lady and ask “Am I skinnier than she is?”. Now, I know you know this already, but the answer is always ‘Yes’, even if the poor person in her sights is the skinniest, most anorexic beanpole you’ve ever seen. If you say ‘No’, then rest assured all hell will break loose. You may be tempted to say it, like the way you’re tempted to respond sarcastically when the man with the big gun at the airport asks if you’re carrying any explosives or knives; but don’t. You probably won’t end up in jail for ten years if you’re sarcastic to your lady friend, but after she’s finished with you you’ll wish you were.