Early on in the pregnancy, we bought a yoga DVD specifically designed for mums-to-be. Today, ten weeks later, we finally opened it and tried out this rather bizarre practice. The thing is, we didn’t really take it seriously, and if you do that then you’re destined to fail, as well as screwing up your alternate nostril breathing in the process (which is ill-advised when you have a winter cold).
We began with a section entitled Partner Work, which was basically just like watching really really low-budget pornography, all fully-clothed massages and whatnot. We then moved on to various individual techniques. It’s all potentially very helpful stuff, but it’s hard to take it seriously when you’ve got your face in the carpet and your bum in the air whilst trying to perfect calm breathing. It looked like I’d attempted to body-surf to a shore but instead ended up face first in the sand.
Now I once went to a gym, and so know full well that doing weights hurts a lot, especially when you can’t quite manage the barbells and they crush your chest. Trying to get out of that one without drawing unwanted attention was an art form in itself. Anyway, none of that compares with having to crunch your pelvic floor muscles for 30 seconds at a time. Try it: pretend you’re holding in pee mid-stream without clenching your buttocks. Hurts, doesn’t it? Stupid pelvic floor muscles, stopping me from peeing my pants when I’m old and useless.