Week Thirty Seven: Not that I ever massage children, mind you…

Mental note: apparently, “Sucks to be you” is not an acceptable response after your mrs grumbles about how uncomfortable she is. You may feel I’m being harsh, and I probably am; but I’ve been massaging her feet for about fifteen minutes now, and they’re so large it’s akin to rubbing suncream into a child’s back.

Mind you, I can’t compare the disgusting wrinkledness of my overly-moisturised hands to her discomfort. She desperately wants the baby out now; she’s in almost constant pain with her SPD, and keeps getting the odd contraction, but it never leads to anything. She went for a professional reflexology massage the other day (which I don’t suppose was half as good as my haphazard thumb-rubbings) which can stimulate contractions and labour, and it won’t be long before she’s face-deep in a pineapple whilst going on a long walk.

It’s doubtful she’d look this happy.

You’ll be aware that some babies are born with a full head of hair, and at this stage it can be almost four centimetres long. I’m sure you – like me – are hoping that the hair is limited to his scalp area only, and that your baby doesn’t come out looking like the Wolf Man or the Bearded Lady; although you would get a few quid from the local media. Also, if your baby had corn rows or dreadlocks, that’d be cool. The vernix caseosa and lanugo is pretty much gone, swallowed by your baby, who weighs about six pounds and measures 14 inches, crown to rump (21 inches overall). It’s getting ready to come out, so if you haven’t already, get your hospital bag packed; sometime soon you’re going to get that text, phone call or nudge in the side from your mrs to say it’s all kicking off, and you don’t want to be left running around like a nutcase as her waters break all over your nice tile floor.

A reminder that ‘Goodbye, Pert Breasts’ is now available to buy in paperback or eBook! It contains the diary plus loads of chapters that will never be posted online!

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5 responses to “Week Thirty Seven: Not that I ever massage children, mind you…

  1. I’ve been through it 3 times and I feel her pain! By the way, as you or she may already know, the whole “you forget all about being uncomfortable and the pains of childbirth when you are holding that little bundle of joy” is a bunch of horse!@#$! I will never, ever forget the feeling of being ripped in 2. My youngest is 2 now and I swear I still can hear the sound of flesh ripping…okay, I am exaggerating now but you get my drift. Hopefully, the epidural (should she get one and I highly recommend it!) will work well for her and you will have a healthy, chubby, fairly hairless little baby. My first one (6 yrs now and a girl) was one of those hairy little beings. I remember praying that the black hair on her shoulders would go away by puberty.

  2. A vigorous yoga session followed by a stiff G & T was the inducing labour advice I was given by a GP friend of mine (off the record!) – I followed it at 38 weeks and went into labour about 2 hours after the G & T!

    Good luck!

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