I apologise in advance for wasting your time. Although, if you do decide to read on, you’ve no-one to blame but yourself.
When you think of super-badass creatures wandering around the savannah, your first thought is probably Ray Mears.
“Doesn’t matter if I run out of food, I’ve plenty in reserve.” *pats belly*
The second thing you’d think of is probably a lion. And why not? The lion is the ‘king of the jungle’, after all. Even though we’re talking about the savannah. But whatever.
Also, they can RIDE HORSES. (That is pretty super-badass.)
There’s no doubting a lion could cause some quite nasty scratches if it was hungry and got hold of you. But it’s not the most super-badass creature roaming the savannah. Why? ‘Cos its mane is a bit poncey. Imagine a person with that amount of hair around their face. They’d look ridiculous. The lion is the laughing stock of the Serengetti, mocked by creatures from a safe distance.
Uncanny.
What other animal could be in the running for Most Super-Badass Creature of the Savannah, an award which I just made up, like, two minutes ago? “An elephant!”, I hear you cry.
Perhaps. I mean, they are pretty big. And a cheesed-off elephant who goes mental at you can cause some serious damage, for sure. But they’re not the MS-BC of the S, on account of their big ears. We take the mick out of people with big ears, and I’m pretty sure animals do the same with elephants.
ROFL.
Next! What about the hyena? This weird-looking fella boasts a set of jaws that makes Janet Street-Porter look like a kitten. It’s a scavenger, the rascal of the plains. It is pretty super-badass.
Gizza kiss.
But it’s not the most super-badass animal mooching around the savannah. Why? Because it’s freaking ugly. I mean, that thing’s got a face that could make a nun cry. To be super-badass you at least have to have a modicum of attractiveness, otherwise you won’t get the ladies.
Although there are exceptions to the rule.
One more try, before I reveal my winner. “The cheetah! It must be!” I hear you cry, in desperation. The cheetah’s spotty, which is cool, and it sure has a cute face, so that’s a tick in the ‘attractiveness’ box.
Aww.
It also runs super-fast, getting up to speeds of 75mph on a good day, following a couple of bottles of Lucozade and a handful of Pro Plus. However, it’s too skinny to be super-badass. No-one likes creatures that are too skinny, with bones poking out everywhere and whatnot. Just ask any size-zero model if she’s happy and watch as she cries tears, although they won’t be tears, because she’s so dried up and skanky her body literally can’t produce water. It’d just be puffs of a talcum powder-like substance gently emitting from her tear ducts.
Yeah, you don’t look like death at all.
So who is the most super-bad – oh, you know the rest. I’ll tell ye. Brace yourself.
It’s none other than the zebra.
“YEEEAHH!!”
“Why?!” I hear you cry incredulously, slightly frustrated at the bizarre winner. I’ll tell you why.
Every other animal in the savannah naturally blends into its surroundings. They’re all oranges, browns and greys, natural camouflage so you can’t see them. It’s to either hide from predators or hide as you stalk your prey.
The zebra couldn’t give a flying eff about all that. He’s black and white, for crying out loud. He kicks sand in the face of camouflage. He’s like, “I’m freaking BLACK AND WHITE, you morons!” If it could stand on its back legs, it would, and throw out his arms to the side, yelling “Come at me BRO!” Plus, zebras are attractive. Who doesn’t fancy a zebra?!
The only thing the zebra camouflages against is a barcode, or another zebra. It simply couldn’t care less about trying to hide. I imagine that when a baby zebra gets caught by a lion or a cheetah, or whatever, just before it dies it’ll turn to its captor and gasp “Well, I did make it easy for you.” Then the lion would be all discouraged and the zebra wouldn’t taste as good.
If they’re caught in the first place, that is.
