Back in the day, when I were a lad, I wrote about some CBeebies episodes I thought should be filmed. It was really really funny. I suggest you read it.
It’s time for a decent sequel, like Iron Man 2, Toy Story 2, or Greas- oh. Let’s crack on.
Big Barn Farm
In an attempt to teach children about the origins of meat, an entire episode of ‘Big Barn Farm’ is taken up by a close-up shot of a plate. On the plate sits some bacon and sausages, framed by pan-fried bits of dog, goat and donkey. The farmer is seen scoffing the lot. At the end of the episode he gives the camera a greasy thumbs-up, licks his lips, and burbles a groggy “Yum…”
The Alphablocks have a cheeky day, and spend the episode spelling rude words, some of them quite blue. At the end, that one with the monocle encourages listeners to repeat the aforementioned words to their grandparents.
Justin et al attempt to do an episode of ‘Gigglebiz’, but accidentally leave the camera rolling between scenes. Horrified viewers are subjected to watching Justin screaming and tantruming as someone suggests he takes off his female clothing. “BUT I LIKE HAVING BOOBS THAT AREN’T MAN BOOBS!” he shrieks, dressed as Nana Knickerbocker, as producers and directors look on, rather disturbed.
That rather odd presenter (Thomas Ticker) bursts out of the door and into the street party at the end of the episode. Everyone’s having a pretty good time. Then Thomas gets on the table and starts doing that weird old-man dancing he does. The music stops, shoulders slump, and disgusted partygoers trudge home. Thomas, oblivious to what’s going on, continues to dance into the night.
Mr Bloom’s Nursery
The Veggies turn nasty one day. “Why are you so small?” says the lettuce. “You got, like, dwarfism or something?” The butternut squash chimes in: “And what’s with that daft cheeky smile?” he jibes. “You look practically prepubescent.”
Sarah-Jane gets halfway through an episode before throwing a strop. “How come Justin’s a superstar, and I’m stood here in the middle of a field in a STUPID outfit trying to get STUPID children to haul their fat backsides out of the door and away from the TV?” she wails. “We were both in Higgledy House together!”
“And what is WITH this make-up?” she adds, stamping the floor with a petulant foot. “It makes me look, like, FORTY!”
Timmy is unaware that it’s ‘shear-a-sheep’ day at school. Held down by his classmates, he weeps as the pelican teacher shaves off his woolly coat whilst garbling unintelligibly. The duck then wears a jumper fashioned from Timmy’s wool, and takes the mick a bit.
It’s real life, and Daniel – the dog – loses it. He mauls the actor who plays Tommy, as the deadpan voiceover states “Today I decided to maul the actor who plays Tommy for being bland and expressionless.”
After the fun of Yogo, one of the children becomes frustrated with the obvious language barrier. “WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?!” he shrieks at Nok Tok, becoming angrier every second. Nok Tok and his (her?) Waybuloo mates try to carry on all happy and floaty and whatnot, but you can tell by their faces that they’re getting pretty annoyed. Finally, Yojojo loses his (her?) rag and, fangs bared, chases the squealing child into a nearby pond.