Handshakes are so boring. So business-like and formal. That’s no way to greet someone else, or open a meeting.
Plus, it’s a great way to spread disease. Swine flu? The Bubonic Plague? AIDS? All spread by handshakes. You dirty beggars.
So, if I had my way, all handshakes would be banned, and replaced by high-fives. The reason for this is two-fold.
Firstly, it prevents the spread of nasty diseases. Instead of a lingering, clammy handshake, where no doubt one of you hasn’t washed his hands properly after doing a pee, you give a quick hand slap; two, if you know the person really well.
Secondly, it’s super cool.
If you’re still skeptical, allow me to paint you a little mind picture with my brain brush. This is Ban Ki-moon. He’s the Secretary-General of the United Nations.
Every now and then, when there’s a crisis on or he’s a bit bored, he’ll hold a UN Summit, where all the world leaders get together to have a bit of a knees-up and perhaps the odd thumb war. At the moment, these world leaders have to shake hands.
This takes time, is boring, and – yep, you’ve guessed it, the whole germy thing again.
So imagine this: Ban Ki-moon gets everyone to sit down, and then runs in front of each row with his hand out, high-fiving everyone as he legs it past. Then, when he’s finished, all the world leaders high-five each other. Obama high-fiving Gaddafi. Cameron double-high-fives Sarkosy. In the background, Berlusconi does the whole ‘down below you’re too slow’ thing on Putin, who initially looks grumpy but then realises that it’s a high-five, and so laughs instead.
Just think about how many lives could have been saved with a high-five. High-fives make everything better. If Obama would only high-five Ahmadinejad, tensions between the two countries would lift and they’d get along like a house on fire. Instead, due to the boring old handshake, houses literally are on fire.
If only Churchill had high-fived Hitler, millions of lives could have been spared. You think about that next time you’re in a stuffy business meeting. You’re ruining the world.