As it’s World Breastfeeding Week this week, I feel compelled to give you my perspective on this most natural of happenings. Firstly, like many men, I love boobs. Boobs. Love ‘em. They’re great.

If I have one gripe, it's that there aren't enough boobs on the Internet.

Boobs are great. But (pardon the pun) breastfeeding sucks.

Whoa there, lady. Before you pelt me with nipple shields and tubes of Lansinoh, hear me out. Breastfeeding, as a function, is great. It’s free, it’s healthy, and it provides the best start for your newborn. But, as an action, us men hate it.

Why? Firstly, they’re our boobs. We married them along with marrying you, and if we’re not married to you, then we practically are because look, there’s a child attached to your chest. My territory. As if that isn’t bad enough, every now and then the suckling child will give us a little look out of the corner of his eye, as if to say ‘I’m here now, get used to it’, and we end up getting the same feeling you do when you walk into a room after going to the loo and someone’s nicked your seat.

Breastfeeding sucks all the fun out of boobs. But, in an even more cruel kick to the crotch, someone somewhere invented breast pumps. The hand-action ones are bad enough; but the electric pumps, in our eyes, turn you from this:

Into this.

I am so sorry. Maybe I speak for all dads, maybe it’s just me. But as unsexy as we may find breastfeeding, we are happy to step aside because we know how important it is for our new little boy or girl. See how much we love you?