So, rioting. The police are stretched, the fire service is stretched, and all the while the bum dregs of society grab free electronics under the pretence that they have no job prospects and no money. So they smash up the only places that could give them job prospects and money. Go figure.

Looters have taken everything in sight, from iPads to cans of tuna. Take this guy, for example.

Congratulations on your awesome haul, you cretin.

So, with the police so stretched (even though they are doing an amazing job, I might add), who do we send in to tackle the crime? Here are my suggestions.

Firstly, the obvious.

Chuck Norris/Jack Bauer/Batman

If you sent Chuck or Jack in there, the rioters wouldn’t be smashing up buildings for the heck of it, they’d be doing it because the buildings had the nerve to be built without their permission in the first place, or something.

Batman might help, but with his black outfit he’d probably fit right in and not really get noticed. That, and his Batmobile will probably get its windows smashed and its tyres nicked.

But, assuming they’re all busy, who do we call on?

Michael Winner

Of course, the ‘calm down dear’ guy. He can stroll through the streets of Salford flapping his palms and smiling that weird moon-face smile of his. Everyone will take heed, maybe…perhaps not.

Enya

When you’re looting, you loot to R&B music, or soft jazz. Can you imagine looting to the soothing tones of Enya’s ‘Sail Away’? Me neither. Get her on a microphone and let her do her work.

Katie Price (aka Jordan)

This large-busted ‘model’ can stride through the streets of London, talking incessantly to the point where the looters either suffer an epileptic fit and spasm on the tarmac, or run away screaming with their hands clamped over their ears. Jordan will, of course, talk mostly about herself.

John Bishop

I would send Michael McIntyre in, but he’s so camp I think he’d just end up squealing and skipping away. John Bishop’s from the streets of Liverpool, and so the rioters can identify with his working-class background. He can make ‘em all laugh, and they’ll sit cross-legged on the floor, listening intently and not causing any trouble.

Elton John and Lady Gaga

Send Elton and Gaga onto the streets in full garish and extravagant outfit. The rioters, whose brain cell (between them) would be so confused and disturbed they’d stagger home, eyes bleeding.

Justin Bieber

What you need is a diversion. What better diversion than an attractive young girl for the looters to slobber over? Send in Bieber and tell him to run like hell away from the city. They’ll all run after him, leaving the streets in peace and quiet. What happens to him when they catch up to him is of no real concern.

Derren Brown

Send in the eagle-faced master of mind-trickery to cast his magical powers over all the hooligans, and direct their powers into doing good, like painting brickwork, cleaning streets, or lynching Justin Bieber.

Barack Obama

The King of Cool. Swagger him down the street, and the rioting would just magically stop, and probably turn into spontaneous applause.

Sting

Just place Sting in the middle of the riots. They’d all be like, ‘Sting? What are you doing here?’ And he’d be like, ‘Dunno.’ Then, like the aforementioned Elton/Gaga combo, they’d get confused and drift away.

Kaiser Chiefs

Send in the Kaiser Chiefs. It won’t stop the violence, but the riotous mob might beat them into a pulp, thus saving the world from awful (if a little prophetic) music.