Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Me

Let’s crack straight on, shall we? No need for a pithy introduction, it’s all fairly self-explanatory.

1. It was only relatively recently that I realised committing suicide by sticking your head in the oven didn’t mean cooking yourself to death.

2. I have two faint birthmarks: one just by my left armpit, the other on my left buttock, or so I’m told. Can’t see the second one without the use of two or three mirrors.

3. I find it incredibly difficult to sprout any meaningful facial hair due to what I assume is lady-like genes, but I have managed to craft a stunning Johnny-Depp-style goatee out of what my face can grow.

4. The tendency of my hair to grow outwards instead of downwards means I am cursed to have just one hairstyle for the rest of my life, unless I snap and shave it all off.

5. When I was younger I was fascinated by tigers. Whilst other kids my age had bedroom walls covered in pictures of scantily-clad women, I had one A4 poster of Britney Spears and an A0 photo of a Bengal tiger running majestically through water.

6. I have only ever had one girlfriend, whom I then married.

7. When I was 11 I wore huge gold-rimmed glasses that touched my cheeks whilst proudly sporting a centre parting. I still managed to look awesome.

8. One day I’d like to run the London Marathon, but only if they reduce it to around 2-3 miles.

9. I’m seriously considering going for the Guinness World Record for Most Jaffa Cakes Eaten in One Minute, but need a few weeks of training first.

10. One day you’ll see me on the front of ‘Mother and Baby’ magazine wearing a dress and looking bemused.

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4 responses to “Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Me

  1. Excellent. But you forgot tomention your part-time job as a barista. You have many issues with hair, my friend. You should shve it all off and cut to the Mother and Baby cover chase. Say hello to your own pert breasts :)

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