Five Well-Known Films I Have Absolutely No Intention of Watching, Ever

Following the roaring success of my Four Overrated Bands post, which I’m pretty sure was read by Barack Obama, the Queen, and Colonel Gaddafi (wherever he’s hiding), I’ve decided to do a similar bit about well-known films I have no intention of seeing, as well as making the number up to five. Seriously, I sometimes think you should be paying me for this gold.

The Sound of Music
If I wanted to see a woman spinning through a field followed by seven kids I’d travel to Essex, where the woman is spinning because she’s drunk, and the kids are all hers by eight different guys.

“The hills are alive with the sound of music!” she bellows. Shush! The Nazis will hear you!

Star Wars
I just heard you gasp, and perhaps curse a little bit. “Star Wars?! He doesn’t like Star Wars?! What kind of moron is he? Pass me some more nachos, this guy’s stupidity has made me hungry. Oh wait, I’m alone.”

People thrashing around with fluorescent light bulbs. A man dressed in black who suffers from asthma. That ugly green thing who says sentences back to front. And a huge dog with a gargly wail. If I wanted to see that, I’d go to Ess- oh, you get the picture.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
I have two children and a wife who could fall under these headings, but I won’t tell you which is which.

I like to watch films where I can identify with at least one of the characters, and – as those who know me personally can testify – there is no hint of cowboy in me at all. If I was in a Western film I’d be one of the Indians, whooping and yelling. Except I’d be shrieking and crying, and riding my horse as fast as possible in the other direction.

You may have gathered from my Star Wars rant that I really couldn’t give a monkeys about science fiction and fantasy films, which is why I refuse to read or watch anything to do with Harry Potter (I argued with a vicar about this on 5Live not so long ago).

For the same reason, weird blue things with funny faces do not tickle my fancy one bit. I even heard stories of geeks finding the lead female ‘hot’, which upset me quite a lot, because that pretty much confirms that they’ll never get laid.

The Lord of the Rings
Yes, I know it’s fantasy, just like Harry Potter and Star Wars; but I was struggling to think of a fifth.

I actually watched the first LotR film, just because there was so much hype about it at the time. I spent the next four weeks mourning three hours of my life that I would never get back.

Little hairy people on a mission? Bizarre. To me, Lord of the Rings went like this: walk a bit, kill a big monster, walk a bit, kill a big monster, walk a bit, kill lots of smaller monsters. Rubbish.

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