After my post of a few days ago, I’ve once again managed to tap into my 16 month-old’s thoughts. This is what goes through his mind when he’s just deposited an impressive load into his nappy.
Hoo boy, here it comes.
This is gonna be a big one, I can feel it. Enemy at the gates!
Strain. Push, man, with all your might!
Oh boy, it’s showing on your face. Am I pulling that expression again?
The one where my eyes bulge, my lips spread, my cheeks blush?
I think so. They’re looking at me. Mum’s saying ‘Noah…’ as if she’s about to tell me off.
It’s a bodily function, woman! What would you rather?
I got constipated last Christmas, and you threw all kinds of revolting things in my mouth to clear me out.
Now I’m dumping happily, you’re getting cross?
Women. Difficult people. I must remember that for future reference.
One last push…aah. All done. Squidgy.
Whatever you do, don’t sit down. It’ll spread everywhere. Just cling onto the sofa.
Keep clinging, and don’t move. This is mighty uncomfortable.
Mum’s saying something to Dad about changing my nappy, but he’s not listening.
I can feel nappy rash coming on. Perhaps I should tell him?
Damn! I can’t talk yet! Curses! How else can I do it?
Aah, I know. Walk past him.
Give him a good old whiff of the good stuff.
Let him know I’ve made a substantial deposit in the Bank of Brown.
Here I go.
Toddle toddle toddle. I’m really getting the hang of this balancing stuff, although I do outstretch my arms a bit too much.
Must work on that.
Aha! Dad’s looking revolted. He must have smelt me.
Whooop! Here we go, he’s picked me up!
Yeah Dad, sniff that. Take a good old lungful. My gift to you.
What the-? He’s left the room, and put me down!
What gives, father?
Oh, here he comes. He’s got Wet Wipes. Good man.
Last time you used kitchen roll, and left me stinging for a week.
How can I make this worse for him? He’s retching, but not enough.
Oh, I know. He’s about to take off my nappy.
Wait for it…
Now! Pee, man! Pee!