Halloween is a horrible celebration. It’s time to reclaim our streets

I’ve always assumed that if enough people dislike something, that something will eventually wither up and die. It happened to Daniel Bedingfield and B*witched. It’s happened to politicians. Hopefully one day people will wake up and it’ll happen to the entire cast of TOWIE.

So why the heck do we insist on torturing ourselves and celebrating Halloween every year?

I don’t know anyone over the age of 11 that likes Halloween. Not one person. It sucks. It’s an excuse for snotty sour-faced little ratbags to put a bit of talcum powder in their hair, claim they’re a ghost, stalk the estate with outstretched hands and upturned palms and demand sweets for no good reason.

People are so terrified of having their house egged, or their car burnt, or white paint poured through their letterbox (which actually happened to a friend, when she was eight months pregnant and home alone), that they either cower at home with the lights off or organise to be elsewhere.

And yes, I know you’re reading this with a shocked hand pressed against the top of your cleavage whilst gasping ‘Oh! But my Timmy and Jenny just love to dress up, and they’re not vandals!’ That may be true, but you’ll be the first to complain when Timmy and Jenny are high on sugar for twelve hours straight, gnawing everything in sight whilst crying and laughing at the same time.

This year I’m starting an initiative on my street whereby I provide each resident with a paintball gun, or perhaps a rifle with a couple of boxes of rubber bullets. This will then be poked through their front door letterbox and fired at any grotty kids who think that wearing a cheap mask from One Stop constitutes a costume. I’m hoping that, when the night is in full flow, the muzzle flashes of rifles poked through letterboxes along a street of houses will be reminiscent of cannons jutting from the side of HMS Victory in the Battle of Trafalgar.

Maybe I’m just a Scroogey, Grinchy-type person who will end his life smelly and alone, or maybe I speak for the people. Either way, it’s time for us grown-ups to reclaim our streets. Screw #OccupyWallStreet. It’s now #OccupyYourStreet. Who’s with me?

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