You know when you slow down when driving past a car crash, and have a good old look? You know that you’re not going to see anything nice, but you look nonetheless. And, if you do see a mangled old man hanging out of the window, you’re understandably disgusted? That’s what Liz Jones’ articles are like. You know they’re going to be awful, and they’re going to make your blood boil, but you can’t help but read them.

In this sense, Liz Jones is a literary genius, and the bosses at the Daily Mail - poo-flinging chimps that they are – are also geniuses for not firing her a long time ago. The fact is, she brings hits to their website, which in turn gives the DM an excuse to bump up advertising fees; money which they then shovel into Jones’ withered hands so that she can churn out more infuriating goodness…and so, the cycle continues.

Liz Jones is one of three things: the best car crash journalist there is, the best Internet troll there is, or an awful writer. In her time, she has travelled to Somalia to look forlorn with dying children, undergone plastic surgery, and generally bemoaned her rotten luck. But rotten luck is often borne out of rotten morals, which Jones has by the bucketful: and, her latest revelation today – something so heinous it is not worth reprinting, or even linking to – borders on the insane. I’m genuinely worried for her mental health. And she wonders, looking pitifully at the camera, why she’s alone and childless.

But despite bringing in the hits, the Daily Mail needs to take a close look at where its moral boundaries lie, if they exist at all. By allowing this article to be printed, they are as culpable as Jones herself.

For her ex-partners, whom I assume did not know about this, Jones’ confession must have come as a rather rude shock. Not just because they’ve found themselves subjected to ‘almost-rape’ (whatever the legal term is), but that they have been uncovered as bed-partners of Liz Jones; something which must make them dry retch into the nearest bin.

However, it’s not all bad news: if other case studies are anything to go by, they can sue for emotional distress – but not for theft. After all, according to the courts, once a lady has hold of your sperm, it’s hers to use as she wishes. Even if she doesn’t realise condoms contain spermicide.

Liz Jones Gems…

I resolved to steal his sperm from him in the middle of the night. I thought it was my right, given that he was living with me and I had bought him many, many M&S ready meals. ~ The craving for a baby that drives women to the ultimate deception

Women like me, and others who care about personal grooming (say, the female cast of The Only Way Is Essex) get a lot of flak from these rotund baking types with their blue-striped milk jugs. ~ Sorry, Kirstie, I want a life, not a homemade beeswax candle

I saw a child with a donkey and cart delivering food to the aid workers.

Because of the 40-degree heat, difficult terrain and lack of inflated tyres, the very small donkey was struggling. The boy continually beat the donkey with an iron bar, even when the beast was doing her best.

I flew at the boy, obviously, and tried to persuade him that if he got off the cart and pushed it too, he might deliver my jar of Nescafe a bit quicker, and the donkey would live longer. ~ Cats and dogs are both smart…smarter certainly than men

I’d emerge from an activity every woman wants to keep under wraps with stains around my forehead and beneath my fingertips. I started to hide my box of green Boots ‘bitter chocolate’ in the cupboard under the sink, thinking my boyfriend would never find it.

But, of course, he did, only to laugh and point, completely unashamed or unaware that his stubble has flecks of white in it. ~ My 25-year battle with grey hair

But the thing that annoys me most is women who are blunt. Someone stayed with me last weekend, and I was so busy and exhausted running round buying her gin, I didn’t have time to eat.

‘Ooooooh,’ she said. ‘You’re starting to get that really drawn look in your face.’

At a fashion show the other week, a woman (a blogger; hate them! Hate them!) came up to me and said: ‘I think you should go blonde. That dark hair is so unflattering.’

Why are women so vile to each other? I would never say to my house guest: ‘Well, black rotten teeth aren’t all that flattering, either.’

And, to be honest, when one columnist is writing about a rival, it shows they’ve run out of ideas and their career is over. ~ The jellyfish women who want to sting me to death

But I’m still smarting, to be honest, about the fact The Guardian published a column saying I should not be allowed to cover the famine in Somalia given my love of fashion and the fact that I’ve had plastic surgery.

Well, at least I’m an anorexic, and don’t ever eat more than my fair share. ~ I love Tracey Emin’s triptych. But it can’t be art – she wears lipstick