Isn’t Christmas great? A really beneficial time of year for parents across the globe, I think.
I’m sorry, what did you say? You think Christmas is great because of – of family? What’s that? And the spirit of togetherness and love? No, it’s bec- oh, you’re still talking. You think Christmas is great because of the smile on little Jimmy’s face when he opens his present? You’re an idiot. You’ve got it all wrong. Now shut up for a minute and let me speak.
Christmas is great for parents because you can blackmail the heck out of your children.
Black male.
Every kid has tantrums, and naughty moments – and, for eleven months of the year, all a parent can do is try to gently persuade little Timmy to peel himself off the floor of Aisle 6 in Sainsbury’s and be a good boy, all the while wondering why the flipping PC brigade had to go and make smacking illegal (well, harsh smacking, at least.)
But in December, you become imbued with a kind of power, valid for one month only, and you can stop any tantrum in its tracks with five words.
Father Christmas is watching you.
Instantly, your child shuts up and looks at you in wide-eyed terror at the prospect of being on Santa’s naughty list. Depending on what mood you’re in, you can turn the screw a little further:
Father Christmas is watching you…from under your bed.
Father Christmas is watching you, and you’re pretty much definitely not getting any presents this year.
Father Christmas is watching you, and he violently murders naughty kids.
(The last one is not advised.)
If you want to give your chastisement an added dimension, simply log on to ‘Portable North Pole’ and set up a video link from Santa himself directly to your child which tells them that they’re on the naughty list and in line for an empty stocking come Christmas Day. I know of a parent who did this at the start of December and her child has been as good as gold ever since, gripped with relentless horror at the prospect of coming downstairs on Christmas morning to uneaten mince pies, an untouched glass of sherry, and a bare living room floor.
Aah, Christmas. A time of joy, love, and blackmail. Fa-la-la-laaaaa…
Anyone that disagrees either a) doesn’t have kids b) has too much money or c) also tells you their kids slept through the night at 2 days old and were breast fed till they were 19
Couldn’t agree more!
Hahahahahaha. LOVE this post, cos this is exactly what I’ve been doing for the past month – although with varying success.
While my five-year-old pleads with me not to tell Santa he’s been bad, and to make sure he gets presents this year, my three-year-old has balls of steel and is now calling my bluff, saying he doesn’t want presents anyway – or that I should give them to his brother.
Maybe I’m doing it wrong, but the little shit knows his Mum wouldn’t leave him with no gifts come Christmas morning.
Or at the very least, he knows his big brother loves him enough to share toys with him, should he come up short.
Damn the Ding Dong Merrilys on High!
(Just discovered your blog, by the way, and love it’s title!)
That’s a plucky three-year-old you have there! Call his bluff and don’t get him anything!
What and pay for years of therapy? Toys are cheaper! ;-D
My mum used the Santa thing ALL year round.