Is the Daily Mail written by chimps?

Hate is a strong word, as the Plain White T’s once sang, and I wouldn’t say that I hate the Daily Mail. In fact, it’s an odd relationship that I have with DM: I detest myself for logging on to their website and reading the drivel they produce (don’t get me started on Liz Jones), but can’t help doing it.

It’s the kind of relationship I imagine someone suffering from an addiction to prostitutes having: at the time you get a few good laughs, you might even learn something, but afterwards you feel dirty and horrible and you keep having to wash your hands and bleach your eyes, and you vow never again to dabble in such filthy and immoral practices. And then, the next day, there you are, driving slowly along dimly-lit streets, beckoning DM over with her torn fishnet stockings, garish lipstick and smudged mascara, and inviting her into the passenger seat.

What bugs me most about the Daily Mail is not their scaremongering. It’s not the fact they are obsessed with putting EVERY other WORD in capital letters just to SHOUT AT YOU that SOMETHING BAD IS HAPPENING. It’s not even their ridiculous claims: you can see this guy’s junk from SPACE, although ‘space’ actually means Google Earth, from which you can see pretty much everyone’s back garden.

Here's mine, for example.

It’s not these things which make me feel dirty, and a bit itchy around the groin. It’s the fact that the people writing this tripe are journalists, and that as journalists you would expect them to have skills in spelling and grammar which at least match those of a six year-old, and you would also expect them to proof-read the words that they vomit onto your screens. But they don’t. Instead, they leap on their chairs and fling poo at each other in between typing pretentious articles with their elbows and foreheads so that you know exactly what Selena Gomez is up to.

These are bold claims, and a good journalist always backs up his (or her) assertions with fact. So here are your facts, collated in just the past few minutes. For the sake of my sanity, I’ve sidestepped the numerous articles about Suri Cruise and anyone from The Only Way is Essex.

This is by no means exhaustive list, and I’ll add more when they arise.

"Chubby kid with from Knocked Up."

'Break'? Seriously?

S'funny...the face cream sounds a lot like the perfume.

I’ll leave the DM itself to admit that it is, after all, “junk”:

You said it, DM.

One response to “Is the Daily Mail written by chimps?

  1. I agree with every syllable – it’s good to know I’m not suffering alone! I, too, read their website compulsively, then feel like hurling the laptop out of the window. But let’s hand it to them – the reason we do it is because there is lots to read there, even if it is drivel. And don’t blame the journalists too much – sub-editors are responsible for many mistakes, and apparently the DM has a dungeon full of young wannabe hacks paid pittances to input all the online stuff. Journalistic know-how barely comes into it.

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