What a baby thinks during a Caesarean section

This is what I imagine goes through an unborn baby’s mind in the moments before and during a Caesarean section. Yes, I know babies don’t know words. But if a dog can talk in Family Guy, a baby can talk in this humble blog post.

Incidentally, the following should be read in the same voice as Bruce from Family Guy, which I may have mentioned just a few lines up there.

So I’m about ready to come out now.

Gonna go through that cervix any minute.

But I’m tired, just gonna sit tight for a few minutes.

Just gonna think about stuff. Perhaps whistle.

Oh no! I can’t whistle in all this amniotic fluid.

Never mind.

Dum-de-dum…

Whoa, contraction! That felt funny. Like a big uterus hug.

So, placenta, I’m gonna go through that exit right there any minute now.

Gonna make my momma push for a while.

Might get lodged in there for a laugh, start as I mean to go on.

Anyway placenta, it’s been fu-

WHOA!

What the?! ARGH! WHAT’S GOING ON?!

THE WORLD JUST LITERALLY OPENED UP ABOVE MY HEAD LIKE A SUNROOF

Wait…what’s a sunroof?

Who are you? What are you doing here? I’m meant to go through that hole the-

What are you doing? Get your hands off me you weird masked man!

YOU’RE NOT MY DAD!

Argh! My eyes! Can you turn down the lights? What’s going on? Oh no!

Oof. Now I’m on someone’s chest.

Are you my momma?

Just so you know, I’m gonna cry because you were too posh to push.

I don’t care if what you just did was for medical reasons. I was saying goodbye to placenta.

I’m gonna cry. A lot.

This is gonna be fun!

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