Allow me to introduce my daughter, Phenoxymethylpenicillin

It’s a discussion that happens during every pregnancy. No, not the ‘is it mine’ one; I’m 95% sure that our daughter – due in August – is half me (not the bottom half, I hope).

It’s the discussion about names. The discussion can last for minutes, days, weeks, or months; it can get pretty heated, with both parties ending up in a tense stand-off.

While we’ve got our name pretty much sewn up (and no, I’m not telling) I’m always on the lookout for improvements. So imagine the epiphany I had this morning, as I wandered aimlessly through the kitchen in a morning daze. My eyes alighted upon this on the worktop:

Clarithromycin. Clarithromycin. It rolls off the tongue, like the opposite of the antibiotic itself, which rolls the other way along your tongue and down your throat. Clarithromycin Wakeling. Clarry for short.

It got me thinking: antibiotics have names that are wonderfully suited to humans. My wife is taking Phenoxymethylpenicillin for a chest infection. Phenoxymethylpenicillin Wakeling. Phennie Wakeling. Beautiful.

Thanks to the Internet I can look up the names of a whole host of antibiotics, a veritable A-Z of baby names, from Amoxicillin to Zeftera. Take these, for example:

  • Doxycycline (Foxy Doxy, they’ll call her.)
  • Cubicin (a child with a very square head)
  • Floxin (as in ‘I’m just Floxin my biceps’)
  • Priftin (definitely a nerd’s name)
  • Bactroban (a good name for a warrior child)

There’s many more. Turns out, during one of the most intense negotiations and discussions that happens during pregnancy, all you need to do to find the perfect name is browse the pharmacy in your nearest Boots.

6 responses to “Allow me to introduce my daughter, Phenoxymethylpenicillin

  1. I’m a complete name snob and onomastics lover, but, given that, in my first pregnancy, I still found “naming” inspiration everywhere. The X-Men probably wasn’t the best place for that, but I was soon cured of my obsession with Jubilee. This was funny.

  2. I worked in L & D as a nursing student and we had to help parents complete the birth certificate before discharging the new family. It was an experience in word play. What is the baby’s name? “Tray-lee-sha”– how do you spell that? (Trellahshae), and I’ll never forget “Plaseniya”. It seemed like a name she may have picked up in the delivery room. Inspirations everywhere!

  3. My hubby used to work in healthcare and remembers three patients named Chlamydia, Candida and Melena! Not from the same family of course, that would be even more awful.

    Not names of medical products, but I thought you might find it amusing anyway.

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