…that is the question. Well, not the question. A question. The question is probably something like ‘Why do people care so much about Made in Chelsea?’ or ‘When am I ever going to see a photo of a lion riding a horse?’
You’re welcome. You can cross one off your list now.
In a few months, if all goes to plan, I’ll have two sons and a daughter, which seems like a good place to stop procreating and start, y’know, actually living my life instead of making new ones. My wife, fortunately, feels the same.
Which is why, when I know that my daughter is here and fit and healthy, I’m going to be making an appointment to see my doctor so I can hand him a pair of shears and ask him to give me the snip. In fact, I might get him to lop the whole lot off and smooth it out, so my nether regions resemble that of a Barbie doll.
But why stop there? I mean, the snip is one of the best methods of birth control (more than 99% effective, in fact), but I can’t help but feel I’m missing a trick. With my testicles practically redundant – another victim of the recession – I don’t really need them at all. So let’s take them, throw them to one side (or, even better, at someone) and use the space left behind for a more useful purpose.
I could put a little zip-up pocket there, for example, in which I could keep loose change, my phone, and perhaps my keys (although they could jab into my upper thigh and cause much discomfort). It could also cause issues in shops and supermarkets when, after discovering that I’m a little short on change in my wallet, I start rummaging around in my pants at the checkout.
On the shopping theme, I could install a Bag For Life in the place where my bits once proudly sat. They last for, like, ten years or something, and would be seriously handy for carrying groceries, especially when I need my hands free for things like texting or driving. But this idea, too, has complications: a full Bag For Life would make me walk like a cowboy, and probably attract a few strange looks.
I could go for the novelty approach, of course; something to use as a conversation starter in case things go quiet in the office. I’m thinking something along the lines of a Newton’s Cradle, or flashing lights.
A conversation piece and grounds for dismissal.
The possibilities are endless, it seems. Answers on a postcard – or just leave a comment; it’ll save you postage costs.
I know it’s different, but when I was a kid and had my tonsils out, the surgeon put them in a jar and gave them to me. I took them to school and in my biology class, took one out and ate it. The class were horrified and the teacher went ballistic. I didn’t ever tell them that I had switched the jars and simply ate the one with pickled onions in. (i had shaped them).
Just…beware. My boyfriend had the snip when he was with his ex wife after three kids and left her a few yrs later when she cheated on him. He regrets it now…big time.
Well there’s something for you. A bloke who willingly goes for the snip. Had to virtually drag my husband, kicking and screaming to the hospital. For a half-hour procedure which left him walking like John Wayne for about 2 days afterwards.
Glad to hear you’re not being such a big Jessie.
On behalf of women everywhere though, I have to say that your bits should stay as they are (albeit firing blanks).
Because for some unknown reason, we kinda like them. On the rare occasions when we don’t have a headache, they’re sorta useful…..
I wonder if I suggested this to my husband he would be more willing to be the one to go under the knife? (If it works – thank you thank you thank you!)
My vote goes to the Bag for Life idea. Just think – you’d never get that look at the checkout ever again for forgetting your reusable shopping bag. Win.
My hubbie had it done 15 years ago, following 2 healthy children and with a family history of multiple births we though we’d quit whilst we were ahead. However, recent research shows an increased risk of prostate cancer in men who have it done under 40, and an even bigger risk in those with a family history of prostate problems. SInce he had it done his father (who also had it done before 40) has been treated for prostate cancer, and hubbie now has yearly PSA blood tests to ensure if it arrives we catch it quick! So whilst it is totally understandable why you’d do it – think first and check first. If I could go back and undo it – I would.
I say get everything you can done at one time. I’m not sure how the wife would feel about your private area resembling that of a barbie, but I can almost guarantee she {or at least your co-workers} would enjoy a Newton’s Cradle down there. Go for it!