My poor wife. 31 weeks pregnant and her back is giving her all kinds of grief. When she’s not working or looking after the family she’s sat with her feet up, or walking from room to room with a strange jerky motion.

But it’s not just a jerky motion. Oh no. After close observation – and help, of course – I can whittle my wife’s movements down to three very distinct styles, depending on how much her back and hips are aching. And here they are.

1. The Old Man

You know how old men dance? As in pensioners? Like they’re stubbing cigarettes out with both feet at the same time. Sometimes, when my wife’s hips are hurting, she walks in the same style as an old man dances. Especially this old man.

2. The Dinosaur

Sometimes the hips are OK, but the back is causing discomfort. This is where my wife walks like a dinosaur, slightly jiving from side to side, hunched forward, tiny arms dangling. Not that she has tiny arms, of course.

3. The Michael Jackson

Sometimes everything hurts so much that my wife doesn’t know which way to move. Every position she throws causes pain. And it’s this rearrangement of her posture, from one to another, which results in the spectacle that I call the Michael Jackson.