When I was in my teens I was relatively slim and quite fit. Then I got married, and didn’t have to try any more. Now I’m getting chubbier by the day, fuelled by a diet of chocolate and coffee, and sometimes my wife looks disgusted when she sees me get out of the shower.
I know I’m not the healthiest person in the world. Yes, I could exercise more, and perhaps not eat cake for breakfast. But what my plump self takes real umbrage with is when food and fitness snobs start getting all judgemental and lecturing me to eat my five a day. I do eat five a day! Five PIES. Lol.
These are things that have been said to me in the past, along with the replies I wish I’d given.
Ooh, that McDonalds breakfast you’re eating contains 30% of your recommended daily allowance of fat.
Thanks, that means I’ve got 70% left. I’ll bear that in mind.
Ugh! I feel so sick! I ate a Twirl earlier and now I feel disgusting.
It’s 9am and already I’ve scoffed three mint Penguins and a bacon sandwich. You’ll live.
Last night I went to the gym and ran five hundred miles, did weights for three hours and then swam a trillion lengths.
Big deal. I did half an hour of sitting, an hour of eating and two hours of working at my laptop. We all die someday.
Mmm, I love apples. Don’t you love apples? I am so super-healthy when it comes to eating.
Maybe so, but you’re miserable. I can see it in your eyes. I eat Wagon Wheels like they’re going out of fashion and I’ve never been happier.
Healthy body, healthy mind.
You’ve no evidence to prove that. All you’ve done is just repeated a well-known phrase and taken it as fact. I’m going to start my own phrase. ‘Eating pizza saves lives’. There. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.