When I was in my teens I was relatively slim and quite fit. Then I got married, and didn’t have to try any more. Now I’m getting chubbier by the day, fuelled by a diet of chocolate and coffee, and sometimes my wife looks disgusted when she sees me get out of the shower.
I know I’m not the healthiest person in the world. Yes, I could exercise more, and perhaps not eat cake for breakfast. But what my plump self takes real umbrage with is when food and fitness snobs start getting all judgemental and lecturing me to eat my five a day. I do eat five a day! Five PIES. Lol.
These are things that have been said to me in the past, along with the replies I wish I’d given.
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Ooh, that McDonalds breakfast you’re eating contains 30% of your recommended daily allowance of fat.
Thanks, that means I’ve got 70% left. I’ll bear that in mind.
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Ugh! I feel so sick! I ate a Twirl earlier and now I feel disgusting.
It’s 9am and already I’ve scoffed three mint Penguins and a bacon sandwich. You’ll live.
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Last night I went to the gym and ran five hundred miles, did weights for three hours and then swam a trillion lengths.
Big deal. I did half an hour of sitting, an hour of eating and two hours of working at my laptop. We all die someday.
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Mmm, I love apples. Don’t you love apples? I am so super-healthy when it comes to eating.
Maybe so, but you’re miserable. I can see it in your eyes. I eat Wagon Wheels like they’re going out of fashion and I’ve never been happier.
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Healthy body, healthy mind.
You’ve no evidence to prove that. All you’ve done is just repeated a well-known phrase and taken it as fact. I’m going to start my own phrase. ‘Eating pizza saves lives’. There. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
Bugger them all!
My gran used to say to me that I needed to buy those pull them in pants/granny pants as wasn’t I getting fat. I told her on several occasions that a) I could give her some and b) that I would go if she carried on!
Let rip at them comments is all I say!
BNM
Ha ha very funny and very true. However I do have to disagree. Whilst I might enjoy the act and immediate taste of stuffing my gob with kettle chips, Haribo and chocolate i usually feel like complete tosh after and on a sugar come down. Nothing compares to feeling great all the time when I stick to my usual diet of Quinoa, puy lentils, green smoothies and loads of fruit and veg. I know this, my brain knows this but I fall off the wagon constantly. See, even is food snobs aren’t perfect. You do need to move your arse more though fat lad. How’s that 5k training going? X
It’s going…umm…OK. It’ll be alright on the night!
I ran 3 miles today but I did have beef stew and dumplings for lunch. Frankly I enjoyed both of them. If you don’t enjoy exercise, don’t do it. Life is too short to do things you don’t enjoy. What is it? If you don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t eat, don’t have sex, life isn’t any longer, it just seems longer?
Coffee comes from a bean which isn’t actually a bean but a fruit so therefore counts towards your five a day. Fact.
Coca, which chocolate is mostly made of is also a fruity thing, possible.
There’s two of your five and that’s just breakfast!
Spoonfuls of Icing! Sometimes both chocolate and vanilla at once. MMMMM!