Let’s face it: labour is boring. For the bloke, anyway. And I don’t mean that to sound sexist, and I’m not a chauvinist pig, or ‘an [expletive] of the highest order’, as I’ve been called in the past. I’m just telling it how it is. Labour is a yawn-fest.

Before the climax, when the camera is shaking and everyone’s yelling and the mother is pushing and the midwives are soothing, there’s a lot of waiting. A lot of waiting. Earlier today I found myself on the labour ward of Warwick Hospital, as Jess has been suffering from a lot of pain and a few contractions (the due date is four weeks away). And, as she was being monitored, I thought up a few ways by one could pass the time. You know, instead of clawing out your own eyes through boredom. (Jess is fine, by the way.)

1. Start diagnosing other people

Don a white coat and wander the wards, diagnosing every patient as you go. This will require a certain level of acting, so be sure to check charts and folders whilst looking thoughtful. If you’re feeling particularly adventurous you could even do that thing doctors do where they tap your stomach a few times.

Then, when your poking and prodding is over, just say something completely bizarre yet intriguing, like: ‘There are barking sounds coming from your abdomen’. And then leave.

Warning: this is illegal, so don’t do it.

2. Play ‘Labour Top Trumps’

You remember Top Trumps, don’t you? When all of the players had cards on a subject such as supercars or football players, and you had to choose a category by which you could beat your opponents. I’m not explaining this very well. Top Trumps. Top Trumps!

I won’t say it again.

How about ‘Labour Top Trumps’? It’s very simple and hugely entertaining, I imagine. I should think it’d go something like this.

Me: Number of centimetres dilated: 6

Someone Else: Ha! Seven! (looks at his wife, writhing in pain, and grins smugly.)

Third Guy: Beat you both, suckers! My one’s crowning!

Disappointed, the other dads sit down and glare at their partners.

3. Have a contraction competition

If ‘Labour Top Trumps’ is just too complicated for you, then try a contraction competition. When the mother of your child is hooked up to a monitor there will be a little green number which shows the strength of each contraction. The premise of this game is simple: be the dad who has the partner with the highest contraction.

The beauty of this game is that you can just shout your wife’s personal best out as and when it’s achieved.

Random Guy: We’ve got a 64 over here!

Anonymous Voice: 74!

Me: OK, this is serious. (watches green numbers rise) BOOM! 103!

Disappointed, the other dads sit down and glare at their partners.

4. Undergo a full body wash using the sanitary gel

Consider this: you’ve got bacteria all over your body right now.

And this: the hospital has far more sanitary gel than it needs, really. (Maybe.)

So, instead of cleaning just your hands, why not go the whole hog? Arm yourself with a pump of sanitary gel, shake off all your clothes, and go about making yourself the cleanest bloke in the entire country.

5. Play with the automatic bed equipment

The great thing about hospital beds is that you can raise the head or feet end to make your partner more comfortable. But, if you want to pass a bit of time, simply go around the ward messing with the settings on everyone’s bed. By the time you’re done, you’ll have some mums in a V shape, some completely upright (think Hannibal Lecter) and others tilted right back. You’d get into loads of trouble, but it’d be worth it. Kind of.